irritation as a signal
Book on my Mind: Attunded by Thomas Hubl
Bookmarker’s in Chapter: 4, The Art of Transparent Communication
Okay, so if I leave an interaction with one of my kids feeling exhausted, it’s because I wasn’t fully present with them? I didn’t listen deeply/connect with them? Is that what I’m understanding?
I am thinking of my visiting friend who just did NINE one hour client therapy sessions back-to-back, then came upstairs and played with the girls and chatted with us without any noticeable lack in his energy. He enjoys his job, he tells me. Still, wouldn’t it be exhausting to talk and listen for 9 hours to 9 different people? The author of Attuned seems to be suggesting it doesn’t have to be… and maybe my friend is proof.
According to Thomas Hubl in Attuned, being with someone but lacking consciousness (presence) in your interaction will feel like resistance, tension and/or discomfort. And this will actually begin to lower the life force inside of you. “If you walk away from a situation, meeting or conversation with a lower degree of vitality or aliveness than you had when you arrived, you know you’ve missed something. Our life indicator is an important indicator or gauge for conscious processes.”
Life force feels like a science fiction term, but I’m assuming to be akin to the feeling of being energetic and open, overflowing with joy and love. Which is what I want, obviously. So, okay, Thomas, I’m listening.
But am I?
Today I’m going to run a little experiment. I’ll start in 30 minutes when I wake my eldest for school. While I’m getting her ready, I’m going to do my best to tune in to her energy. I’m going to give her the most focused attention I can manage, although I assume that if the twins wake while I’m getting her ready then to be attunded to the situation would be to open myself to what is happening all around me instead of zeroing in on one person. That feels vague and I’m hoping for a cleaner experiment, but we’ll see how what happens.
I need something to remind me of my goal. A rubber band on my wrist? But I always wear hair-ties on my wrist, so that won’t make me think of anything. A note? Yes. I’m going to take it back to high school and write a reminder on my hand. I remember stopping this practice when I decided it looked unkempt. But who am I trying to impress, really? My self, these days. My family.
Tune in. Okay, what do I mean by that?
-It means not looking at my phone…. But it’s my clock. Oh! What if I set the oven timer to go off five minutes before she needs to be out the door?
-It looks like taking deep breaths.
-It looks like letting my eyes relax: 180 degree view, not laser focused. That vision feels more open and calm.
-It will feel like sensing my daughter’s emotions. Receiving them. Importantly, it will mean I pay attention to the fact that I am receiving her emotions. It will mean paying attention to my own emotions and bodily sensations as I interact with her.
And why am I doing this? Hubl is convinced that this kind of presence creates healing between people, which is cool on it’s own. Also, I am often exhausted from interactions with my beautiful children. The idea that there is a way to feel energized and alive, even through interactions that normally irritate or exhaust me is exciting.
One of my twins throws a classic, ear-piercing, 15 minute fit and I stay so tuned in that at the end of it we are laughing and playing and carrying about our day even better than before? Well, that’s my dream.